


I feel shitty, oh so shitty

by Nuttelashake



Series: 5 Times Peter Was A Mess (And The One Time Tony was) [1]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Drunk Peter Parker, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker is a Mess, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-02
Updated: 2019-09-10
Packaged: 2020-10-05 20:22:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20494778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nuttelashake/pseuds/Nuttelashake
Summary: you can run away from people and places and things but you can't walk away from yourself. You can't close your eyes to the pictures that your brain shows you and you can't cover your ears to the voices in your head. You can't escape from your own mind. You can't escape from yourself.-------or"Are you baked, Parker?""Wasted Jack, the word is wasted."(I suck at summeries. This summery is too long for the whoel fic.)





	1. The word is wasted

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo, hey guys. I don't know if anyone's going to read this. I don't even know why I posted this. It's not too irondad-ish. I probably made a lot of mistakes cuz I'm really sleepy, and I guess I used some words too much. But Imma post it cause I feel shitty and I needed to get it out somewhere.  
But if anyone does read it, hope you enjoy.

"Are you baked, Parker?"

"Wasted Jack, the word is wasted."

Peter pointed his finger at Jack, stumbling out of the house and barely looking at the stairs which caused him to stumble even more and finally take his eyes off of the boy. 

After some minutes of his legs taking him further in the streets to an unknown distance, he finally let his eyes frown about the fact that Jack -school's popular kid Jack, Jack who called him _just another boring nerd_\- that Jack _actually_ knew his name. And he had actually talked to him and looked at him in a _'this one looks interesting_' way.

He let himself smile at the fact that for once in his life he was treated like badass cool person, even though he knew that he was going to regret the fact that his classmate had seen him drunk. But he couldn't care now. He literally couldn't. The numbness and silence in his mind and his heart was so peaceful that he couldn't let himself get back to the part of his mind that screamed at him when he did something that was going to get him screwed. 

And god... it was _so __peaceful_ and.... quiet.

He had a habit of overthinking about every single thing and he talked to himself a lot in his head. And sometimes all of it was just too much. Sometimes the words were too much and too harsh and too confused and the voices were so loud and he was so clueless and stressed and he couldn't escape it because you can run away from people and places and things but you can't walk away from yourself. You can't close your eyes to the pictures that your brain shows you and you can't cover your ears to the voices in your head. You can't escape from your own mind. You can't escape from yourself.

And sometimes that's what you need the most. To just walk in the unfamiliar streets and talk to the unfamiliar people and let the unfamiliar people give you weird looks and do some stupid unfamiliar things to just get rid of the damn voice in your head that kept telling you how wrong it was.

Or maybe that wasn't what he needed, maybe that was just what he wanted. Maybe it was a selfish part of him that always wanted to be this person. The person who people in the streets think of as a crazy teenager, a careless dude who went to parties and got drunk and wondered in city, a part of himself which wanted to be someone else.

Or maybe these were all lame excuses for an unreasonable action, but he didn't care. The most thing he cared about was the numbness.

He couldn't say he felt extremely happy or hype or careless. He just felt.... different. Kinda... free? But he felt different than the other times for sure. He almost got hit by a car even though he had heard the car's horn some seconds ago but his brain had decided to ignore it, and it was so weird because he didn't remember being careless and unaware of his surrounding since the spider bites. Before the bite was almost no different.

And he felt good about it. Not the getting hit part, mostly the being unaware part. He felt so different that he even started chuckling after the car passed and he could swear the guy gave him a _'what a freak' _look. But who cared? The guy would think how these days teenagers were so insane and irresponsible and in ten seconds he wouldn't even remember he had seen sucha scene. He didn't know anything about him. He didn't know how Peter's whole life was rounding around the word "responsibility". He didn't know him and he would judge him anyway. So why would Peter care? 

And it was so different to not care and feel embarrassed.

He didn't remember the exact reason he was thinking of when he took the first shot, he never remembered his reasons when he got screwed later. And this time he was sure he had no good reasons. He did have reasons, he remembered that much. But they were so complicated and unexplainable that he didn't think of them and took the shot. Because they were just in his head.

Just in his head. Stupid bullshit in his head.

Maybe he was just bored, not a good excuse itself but you can make good excuses when you're bored. Maybe he was just being stupid, maybe it was a mistake that had no explanation. Maybe he shouldn't try to remember or find a reason for it because it would give him a headache again, and he already felt like his head was starting to ache. Maybe he should leave the fact that him being drunk is wrong alone and focus on just being drunk.

And maybe he didn't really want to do it, he remembered looking at the bottle and the glass in front of him and it suddenly felt so right . So tempting to pour the liquid in the beautiful shiny glass and watch every drop of it join the other, and he wasn't sure why he was even thinking about that, he had never wanted or thought about drinking, hell he didn't even want to be in this party, he wasn't sure why he was there.

And before he knew it, there was a glass in his hand, and his mind was screaming at him to put it down and get the hell out but his hand was out of his control and his eyes were calm and certain despite how his mind was.

Despite what he thought of his first shot, it wasn't a sudden rush of cleaning tide that washed your thoughts up and made you feel numb. He hadn't suddenly felt so happy and free and cool when he took it. Instead, the liquid had added so much more pressure on him as it poured down his thorat and cut it like a sharp and mean knife. It made his eyes water a little, and he coughed, some of the drink dropping on his knees.

But it wasn't simple anymore. Because he knew it was wrong. He felt _so_ wrong, and suddenly there was the weigh of a mountain on his shoulder. He felt like a kid who had touched the wrong thing and broke it, he felt like he had broke his friend's toy, and it felt so right doing it, and when he was finally done, he could see nothing but the hurt look in his friend's eyes and disappointment in his parent's.  
Suddenly it was so wrong.

He felt like a six year old boy who had yelled at his parents and angrily asked them to leave him alone, and they left, and it felt so right, to yell at them, to feel ngry, to not want them, to _think_ he didn't want them, and nights and days passed and they never came back, his aunt and uncle gave him sad looks but they didn't come back came back, people called him 'poor kid' , but they didn't come back. And it didn't feel right anymore and he really wanted them. But they never came back.

He felt like a fourteen years old boy, feeling angry and tired and trapped in a mind full of scary whispers, giving his uncle a cold look and saying how he could never replace his father, and he felt right about being angry and saying that, but then he closed his eyes and when he opened them again, his uncle was laying on the ground, bleeding and coughing and _fading_, and he was kneeing down besides him, but the man's eyes turned empty before he could look at it. His hands let go before he could hold onto it, and it felt so _wrong_, everything felt so wrong.

And drinking that thing, Peter was feeling so wrong, his throat burning from something that he was supposed to avoid, something he knew wasn't good, his eyes closing at the strange taste, his hands shaking from the fear of what he was holding in his hand. Something he shouldn't be holding in his hand.

So why did he drink more if he knew it was wrong?

Because he knew it was wrong. He knew and with the first drink his mind screamed at him to stop, telling him what a big mistake he was making, a and the guilt was so much and everyone kept looking at him 

And they thought Peter couldn't hear it because they were whispering. But he could. He could hear tons of voices asking what the hell that dork was going in there and how he looked like an idiot just sitting there and doing nothing. And they were looking at him in the way that showed he didn't belong there and was unwanted.

They looked at him and judged him, not knowing anything about him, not know8ng a single thing about how hard Peter was trying and how scary everything was becoming for him and how loud it was in his head and how much he wanted to let it all go.

They looked at him like he was nothing. Just a boring nerd who couldn't talk to a girl without stammering and had nothing better to do than build Legos and talk about star wars and had trouble making friends. An unpopular awkward dork. A nothing.

Nothing.

And he knew it was a mistake, but it was just too much to handle and he needed to shut his mind up.

It took four drinks for the people at the party to get drunk. For him, the fourth drink just managed to get him tipsy.  
  


Unwanted. People don't want you here.

_Wrong_.

His second drink.

Spiderman, he wasn't supposed to be give up. 

_wrong_.

Another one.

Why are you even doing this? You have a great life. You don't have any problems.

You're just weak, Peter. That's all.

_Weak_.

Another one.

Aunt May She gave you everything. Gives you. You're letting her down.

_Down_.

Another.

Uncle Ben. With great power comes great responsibility. You have responsibilities.

_Responsibility_.

One more.

You didn't do it. You couldn't handle it. You let them down. You let yourself down. You're weak.

__Noth___ing_. 

The last one.

Seven drinks are almost enough to lead a normal person to coma or even death. For Peter it was enough to get him drunk. World spinning above his eyes, legs losing control, brain losing the ability to think straight, and a little nausea in the background. They were enough to make the voices fade away and he finally found peace in the silence of his mind. Finally, his head was so empty and he could hear an old song playing in his head.

_When you're talking to yourself,_

_And nobody's home..._

He felt so empty.  
  
  
  


And now that he was staggering in the streets, Peter felt so out of himself.

Hearing that kid, Jack, call him Parker, he took a moment to hesitate. Because the name Peter Parker didn't fit the person he was being, Peter Parker didn't fit the way he was feeling right now, free and wasted.

Hs giggled at the word wasted, he never thought he'd use the word for himself. 

He just didn't feel like the person who was walking was himself. He felt like someone else. He couldn't put the actions he's done tonight and the character he has- Peter Parker has- in the same person... which was him. He could imagine people looking at him and thinking he was some weird badass kid who went to parties and got drunk and high. And he... didn't really care.

Finally, he stopped walking, and stood there, looking above.

The stark compound.

Until now, he didn't know that he actually had a destiny while walking in the endless allies, or maybe he knew in the back o his head, but now seeing that he was in front of it, it felt right and he didn't get surprised. He just looked at it and without saying or thinking about anything, he just stepped towards it.  
  
  
  



	2. "....are you drunk?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Mr. Stark, I really wanted to say something funny as my first words, but I think the best thing I can go with is that...."
> 
> Screw it, it didn't matter. He was just afraid.
> 
> "I think I'm gonna be sick..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.. I'm about to post two chapters. Basically it was one but I thought it'd be too long. I think these two might be confusing. Because I wrote so many different feelings and I used some words too much but I needed to write it down soo... here it is. Enjoy.
> 
> ( If you saw a it's where it's supposed to be a it'd... ignore it, I tried editing it all, but I might've slipped some.)

That moment he had passed the doors of the Stark industeries, Peter was too busy being grateful for being able to enter the compound without any need to go through the security guards and that kind of stuff, that  
he didn't have the time to think about other stuff.

If he didn't know himself, he'd be all proud about being able to enter the Stark industeries whenever he wanted... as if he was close to Mr. Stark or something.

Only if he didn't know.

Other stuff. Now that he thought of it, maybe that wasn't the right time to forget about other stuff and stick to fairy tales about his internship. Other stuff like what the hell he was actually going to do.

Because he was about to enter the Stark compound, and face Mr. Stark at... well... at late at night, without even informing him... and he was about to do all of that while he was drunk.

Now that he was thinking about it, it was a pretty stupid decision.

_"Are you...."_

But at that time, it seemed pretty cool. Go to his mentor -Ironman, the coolest person he could ever meet-, watch his face get all surprised, tell a bunch or jokes, do some stupid things, have a little fun. He felt being drunk, he wouldn't have any problem seeing Mr. Stark. No more anxious thoughts, nervous taps on the floor, stammering when answering Mr. Stark's questions after zoning out. No more worrying about every little act that he did or things he said, no more worrying about the suit or Spidermaning.

He thought... maybe this time, he could be the cool Peter and not the 'nerd who was either dying from anxiety or having a heart attack from excitement' Peter.

_"... are you drunk?"_

He didn't think so anymore.

Just as soon as Mr. Stark's eyes landed on him, the numbness, that funny feeling, his careless thoughts and his hopeless imgination, the whole feeling of being drunk, they all melted away and suddenly Peter couldn't remember why he was there.

_"are you drunk?"_

When Mr. Stark first saw him like that, his whole body froze, a glass dropping down on the floor, shattering to pieces, making the only sound besides Mr. Stark's short breaths in the silence of the room, cause Peter to flinch. His gaze shifting fast, looking up and down at Peter, probably trying to make sense of what he was seeing, and Peter didn't... couldn't dare to move under Mr. Stark's careful gaze.

He felt like a little boy, staring at the floor, still uncertainly looking up to check Mr. Stark's impression once in a while. And all he could get from his face was disbelief and shock.  


_Disbelief_.  


_He can't believe what he's seeing, Peter. He can't believe you have done that. What a shame, so much trust on such weak person. But he doesn't know. He thinks you're strong. He thinks you're good. He doesn't know._

_"Are you..."_

But somehow, Mr. Stark's impression changed. Peter watched it happen slowly. He watched as Mr. Stark frowned, his lips forming a strange shape, and he tried to get it back to normal, but Peter could see the surprise in his eyes fading and something else replacing it. Sadness, concern...

Realization.

And finally, Mr. Stark looked up at him, his eyes still frowning, and he stared into Peter's eyes. And he put on a firm face. And his eyes were locked to Peter's and his lips were pressed together firmly, and hid jaw was set, Peter could see the pressure on his lower jaw.

_"...are you drunk?"_  


Was he drunk? He didn't think so.

He didn't feel drunk, being drunk felt better, it felt so relaxing and... _funny._ Right now his heart was beating fast and he was sure if Mr. Stark's gaze wasn't holding him so still, he's be shaking like a leaf, but still... his mind was empty, the difference was he was praying to find something in it, somethin to say, something to do. So he didn't really feel drunk, he felt paranoid and....  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_Scared_.  
  
  
  
  
  


Peter decided to accept the fact that he was scared, because it was simply easier than feeling confused and lost.

Maybe he was scared of being drunk. It was his first time doing something like that. Well... aside of Spiderman, but this one was different. And he didn't have a reason for it like he had for Spiderman, and it wasn't for a bigger thing.

It was just stupid.

_Stupid. He was stupid_. _Why was he so stupid? Why did he keep messing up? _  
  
  


_Why couldn't he just be stupid? Why did it feel so bad?_  


Or maybe he was scared of Mr. Stark. Maybe he was scared the face he was making. The hard face, the frown, the pressed lips... the eyes. Maybe he was scared that he was going to get mad and yell and....  


Take the suit.

_"...are you drunk?"_

_"If you're nothing without the suit, then you shouldn't have it."_

He was drunk_._

_"I'm going to need the suit back."_

He was drunk_._

_"Forever."_  


Maybe he was afraid that....  


"Mr. Stark, I really wanted to say something funny as my first words, but I think the best thing I can go with is that...."  
  


Screw it, it didn't matter. He was just afraid.

"I think I'm gonna be sick..."

He didn't know he was feeling nauseos until he was running to the bathroom, world spinning around him.  


From then, most of it was a blur. He threw up all he ate -which was almost nothing- for so long that he felt nausoeus again even by thinking about it. He stayed on the bathroom floor for a while and he remembered whimpering from all of the noises and his headache and the nausea. Then he got up, or rather got gotten up, and was half dragged to a guest room in the compound, he stumbled and even fell a few times, but stood up again and after some medicines and resting a little, he finally felt better now while laying on the bed.

And now in the dead silence of the room (was it just the room? Or the compound was completely silent? God, he felt like the whole world was silent), he had nothing to do other than thinking about all of those things.

He wasn't sober, he knew it, but he was feeling a lot better, he did get some head rushes and the world blurred sometimes, but he was better than before.

And now he had the time to think about Mr. Stark.

Because Mr. Stark stayed with him through the whole thing. Even though Peter knew he was mad and confused and probably tired, but still he stayed with Peter and he was so gentle during that time that his fears didn't become anything to worry about. At least for a while.

Mr. Stark stayed there when he was throwing up, even though it was gross and he knew Mr. Stark wasn't the kind to want to deal with that kind of things. He rubbed his back when he was whimpering in pain and he had stayed on the floor with a wasted mess, and told him it was okay and brushed his hair off his view. He took Peter's hand and stood him up and dragged him to on of his rooms, he helped him up when Peter stumbled and put his hand over his shoulder and gently layed him on the bed. Hs gave him new clothes and helped him wear it and stayed patient when the boy started to throw up all over again when things were finally a little settled, and this ws on until finally one shirt stayed clean on Peter's body. He gave him medicines and made his pain go away.  
  
  
  
  


And it felt so.... natural when it was happening. Like it was no big deal. Like it was usual for Mr. Stark to help Peter up whenever he fell.

But now it felt embarrassing. He didn't deserve Mr. Stark's help when he messed up so bad. He didn't deserve to be laying on this bed with Mr. Stark sitting on a chair besides him.

After half an hour of silence, Peter had decided to pretend that he was sleep. But right now he was pretty sure Mr. Stark knew he was awake.  


"Why did you do it?"  


Mr. Stark's voice was small and emotionless. Peter tried to find something in the voice but the words ran away fast and soon the room was filled with silence again and the only thing that broke it was the sound of the wind waving the curtains of the room. Peter could keep on pretending and not answer the question. Or he could really sleep and forget about all of this.

"I...."  


There were so many things he wanted to say. Yet, he found no words.  
  


"I'm sorry."

Peter had his back against Mr. Stark and his eyes were still close, but he could imagine Mr. Stark's face in his head.

_His eyes fixed on Peter's body, staring at him for a while._

_ _But then he would sigh._ _

Peter heard Mr. Stark sigh.

_And he would turn around...._  
_And he would slowly walk towards the door._

Steps. Peter hear Mr. Stark's footsteps, slowly fading away as he went further towards the door.

_And he would take a final glance at Peter, but it didn't matter. Because Peter would stay silent in his bed, and Mr. Stark would soon leave..._

The footsteps stopped. He could feel Mr. Stark's gaze on him.

_He would leave and Peter would be alone with so many things in his chest that would eat him and Mr. Stark would never know. He would never know how it felt and he would never understand and Peter would never say it._

Another footstep. This would be the final on.  


"I'm really sorry Mr. Stark."

Peter almost yelled. His voice was shaking and he just realized the tears in his eyes as he opened them and they fell off his cheeks. He wanted to stand up, run towards Mr. Stark and look into his eyes. He wanted to talk. God, he wanted to say something.

But he didn't. He just stayed in the bed, eyes full of tears, hands close to his chest. Because he didn't know what he had to do. He didn't know how to hide his tears from Mr. Stark. He didn't know how he had to look at him. He didn't know what he was supposed to say. What he wanted to say. And he didn't know how to say it. But he just wanted Mr. Stark to understand.

He watched Mr. Stark's reflection on the window. For a second he opened his mouth, and Peter thought...wished he'd say something, but he just turned around to leave.

And for a second, Peter wished -even though he was scared of it- he wished he'd get mad. That he'd get mad and yell at him and tell him how bad he had messed up and tell him he had no right to and that he was wrong.

Maybe that way, a gate would open in Peter's heart and he'd let himself get mad too. Maybe that way he's yell and say all the unsaid things in his heart. Maybe between his angry shouts Peter would find the words that he was looking for. Maybe he'd find out what he really wanted to say, maybe he would find out what was wrong with him. Maybe he wouldn't feel so lost then. Maybe Mr. Stark wouldn't leave.

But he was leaving. And Peter realized that he couldn't let him. He couldn't stay in his mind any longer.

And before he knew it, he found himself on his feet, just before Mr. Stark, with Mr. Stark's back against him. And he didn't let himself think, because if he did he's be back on his bed within seconds. He just reached forward and....

Grabbed Mr. Stark's sleeve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Point out my mistakes, tell me what you think, swear, even, if you want...  
So hope you enjoyed this one cuz here comes the next one...


	3. Are you proud?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'You let them down Peter, you always do. You let them all down.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this was soppused to be over in 2 chapters, but I figured it needed more chapters. The next one is the last (hopefully) and it's mostly Tony's point of view.  
So, hope you enjoy, take care and have a lot of fun with yourselves:)

_Previously:_

_But he was leaving. And Peter realized that he couldn't let him. He couldn't stay in his mind any longer._

_And before he knew it, he found himself on his feet, just before Mr. Stark, with Mr. Stark's back against him. And he didn't let himself think, because if he did he's be back on his bed within seconds. He just reached forward and...._

_Grabbed Mr. Stark's sleeve._

It was such a childish thing to do. Peter noticed when he realized what he's done. And for Mr. Stark , all of it would probably be the most annoying thing ever.

But Peter couldn't let go. Even when Mr. Stark turned around to face him, he didn't let go even when their eyes locked to each other and it made Peter want to fade away from the whole universe.  
  


Peter felt like he knew what he was afraid. Maybe he was scared of getting drunk and Mr. Stark's madness, but what he was scared of the most was... it was this look on Mr. Stark's face. It was the tone he used when he talked to him.

_"...are you drunk?"_

It was disappointment. Peter realized he had been avoiding it too much, but that was the whole case. Mr. Stark was disappointed in him. The look on his face said he had so much faith in Peter and Peter had simply let him down, he trusted him and Peter was not worth that trust. He didn't deserve it.

And Mr. Stark's tone said that it was done. _"Are you..."_ Like Peter had messed it all up and there was no way back. _"... are you __drunk_?"

And Peter knew it all and he hated it. He knew he had let his idol down and he knew he didn't deserve his faith at first place, but he couldn't let go of him. He couldn't not say it.  
  
  


He couldn't do it again.  
  


_Peter remembered looking into Ben's eyes, Ben's broken eyes that day. He remembered opening his mouth and words coming out of it. He remembered what he had said. He remembered telling Ben that he was not his father and couldn't replace him._

_He remembered how hurt Ben looked, the way he flinched at Peter's words, the way his eyes filled with tears. _

_He had made Ben cry._

_But Peter thought it was enough. He thought it was enough to make Ben angry. He thought Ben would get angry and yell at him, saying how ungrateful he was for all the things Ben and May had done for him. He'd say how could Peter ignore all the things he had done for him without asking for anything in return. He thought Ben would ask him how could he say that when he know Ben and May loved him as their own son._

_Peter wanted Ben to yell that they love him as their own son. He needed Ben to yell that and prove him that he could be their son. He needed this as a permission to look at Ben as his father. He needed something to make him believe that he wasn't a burden, that he deserved to have parents and that he did. _

_But Ben hadn't said anything. He had just stared at Peter with his teary eyes looking disappointed. Like Peter had the chance to look at him as his father, but Peter was so blind to see and now he had lost that chance. Like Peter had messed up everything. Like Ben wanted Peter to be better, expected Peter to be better but Peter had let him down._

_ Let him down._

_'You let them down Peter, you always do. You let them all down.'_  
  


_And Peter had let go. And Ben bad faded away._

Peter realized he had been standing silent in there for too long, staring at Mr. Stark, his hands stuck to his sleeve. 

'_He is disappointed._'

"Please Mr. Stark. Don't be dissapointed."

Mr. Stark's eyes widened a little, but his lips didn't move. His look didn't change.

"Please Mr. Stark, I swear. I swear I'll do better. I promise I won't do it again. I... I didn't mean it.... I swear I didn't, I just... I didn't know what I was thinking, I just... I just- everything was too much and I felt so weird and... Different. I felt unreal and I just like... I just needed to say something but I couldn't and that was the only thing in there that I... I just _needed to talk."_

Peter sounded so desperate and needy and weak and childish. His hands still holding onto Mr. Stark.

"What did you want to talk about?"

Mr. Stark finally talked. Peter opened his mouth but closed it again and suddenly there were two hands on his shoulder and he looked up and Mr. Stark was looking at him and his eyes were so... gentle. So gentle that it made Peter smile.

Mr. Stark slowly lead them both to the bed and they both sat on it.

"You wanted to talk. I'm here. What did you want to talk about?"

Peter swallowed and wished that Mr. Stark couldn't hear his fast and loud heartbeats.

Talk.

'_What do you even want to talk about?_  
_He doesn't care, he doesn't want o hear it._  
_Don't be silly, they're all just in your head, they're not even real._  
_There's nothing to say, you're doing fine. _  
_Don't be weak, you can handle it._  
_It's going to be fine, there's no reason to talk about it._  
_You're just going to make him worried and uncomfortable._  
_Why do you want to say it anyway? Nothing's gonna change, he doesn't understand_.'

It was so hard to open his mouth with all of that thoughts...

But then he felt Mr. Stark's hands on his shoulder and they were so warm and gentle and his eyes were so kind and it just felt ... _right_ to talk.

"I don't know. It's like-it's like I forget it whenever I... whenever I... want to say it."

"It's okay, it's okay, just... uhh... just tell me why haven't you said it before."

Warm hands. Kind eyes. Mr. Stark was there with him.

_It's __okay_.

"I... I guess there were so many things in my head and I... I couldn.. didn't want to talk about them because... because they seem so cheesy and they don't matter, and... I don't want the others to.. to worry about me or think I'm weak. I just... it's just like everyone can handle these things on their own and I... I wanted to be able to do that too."

"Now... can you give me an example.. like, what was one of the things you've been thinking about?"

"Mr... Mr. Stark I...."

Peter sighed. This wasn't right.

"Mr. Stark I..."

But he could make it.

"I didn't..."

He just had to say it.

"I don't want you to... I don't want you to you know.. like... study me, I just... I just want you to... understand."

"Then... then tell me Peter. Tell me because I'm so lost in this. You've been _okay_, Peter. We meet every week and you were-well, I thought you were okay. And one night FRIDAY just wakes me up and tell me that you're here, and I look at you and you are... you look... wasted."

_Wasted_.

"... and you won't even tell me what has happened to.. I don't know what's going on and I think you gotta help me out in here."

Peter looks down.

"Sorry. That I woke you up."

"Peter."

"Sorry, sorry, I just..."

He pressed his lips.

"I don't know what to say. Nothing had happened. Everything's usual and  
I'm ...I'm like always."

"Then why did you drink?"

"Because..."  
  
  


"... because it's just hard. Sometimes it's just hard. Sometimes things make me sad, and they're all made up, I know that they're all just in my head, but I can't... I can't help it... and I... I can't talk to anyone because they'll worry and feel bad for not understanding but they don't... they really don't and they say things to me that I already know but I can't ...they can't help me and I can't say that to them..."

"...because Mr. Stark, I keep trying and trying but sometimes I think it's never enough and I know that I'm wrong... I know that they should be right and I should be happy... but I can't and it just makes me feel bad for not being happy."

".. and I don't get it. I don't get what happens to me. But I see people and most of them are happy and they can ... they can do things that I...that I don't think I can and maybe I should just give it up... maybe I should try to be someone else but I can't even if I want to, because I'm not sure about who I am. Sometimes I think this is not me. Like I'm just living the things that I was told to do and I don't know if that's the real me."

"... some people see me as a real good person but I don't think I am. I don't think I'm good enough for aunt May, but she does and I just wonder why she loves me so much."

"And Ned sees me as this cool superhero who's friends with the great Ironman and I know that it's not right but I think I enjoy the way he thinks of me and it's a lie, I think it's a lie."

"...and Ned says it's so brave of me to stand all of Flash's bullying stuff when I have all these powers, but he doesn't know it. He doesn't know how much I want to kick Flash's ass sometimes but I don't because I don't think that's the person I'm supposed to be and that wouldn't be what Ned thinks of me."

"... and it's not like I've always been proud of who I am. There are timed that I wished I was someone else. Like tonight, the person who was walking on the streets wasn't me. It was just some careless badass dude, the way I was reminded me of the cool kids in my school and for a second I wished I was like them."

"And I've never hurt anyone as Spiderman, but sometimes I really want to. Like the time with Ben's murderer. He was under my nose, Mr. Stark, he was under my nose. And for a brief moment I felt the need to murder him. To strangle him and hear his whimpers but I didn't, I didn't and he got away. And I wonder if I really let him get away becsuse I didn't want to hurt people. Sometimes I think I was just too scared."

"And Ben Mr. Stark, it's like he lives with me, because he's with me in everything I've doe after his death. And I stare at his picture... and sometimes I think he can see it. He can see who I truly am. Like he can feel what I'm truly feeling and I don't think he'd be too proud. And I just wanted him to be proud."

" And there's you..."

"You've been my idol since I remember."

"And whenever I got these kind of thoughts, I thought of you... and I thought I would be like you. And whenever anyone at school or anywhere said things to me, I'd just think that he doesn't get it, and I'd think of you and think that you'd be proud of me for who I am."

"And then one day, I walked in and saw you sitting in my couch, and in the deepest part of my heart, I thought this was my chance. This was my chance to prove myself to you and make you proud. And I kept thinking that someday it'll be enough, enough to make you see me as what I see you as. To make you believe that I'm worth it, that I'm a hero. And I thought maybe one day I'll look at you, and you'd look into my eyes and see me as your son."

"Because I see you as my father, Mr. Stark.."

"And when I look, I see that it wasn't enough. I look and see that I'm not worth it yet. And I just wanted to be someone else, maybe that way I could be worth it, I wouldn't be like me..."

"Because that's what I've ever wanted. To make Ben, May, Ned, MJ... proud."

"...to make you proud, and I always let you down..."

Peter didn't know he had so many things to say. He didn't know it was so hard saying it. He didn't know it'd fill his eyes with tears and those tears would fall from his eyes. He didn't know he wouldn't be able to look into Mr. Stark's eyes.

He didn't know it would make his vision fade and he didn't think there'd be any black spots filling his sight. He didn't know his head would spin and his eyes would feel tired.

"So please... I did it because I needed to know... please tell me Mr. Stark... "  
  


"Are you proud?"

He didn't know he'd finally be able to look up and stare into Mr. Stark's eyes. He didn't know with his vision so dark, he'd still be able to see it in Mr. Stark's eyes. He never thought he'd look into those eyes and see that look in them.  
  


_A parent's look_.  
  


He never thought he'd hear Mr. Stark say "I'm proud, Peter... I'm so proud of you."  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He never thought he would....  
  
  


But he did.  
  


He closed his eyes, finally feeling relieved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got a tumblr that you can check out if you want. It's tinti98.  
Tell me what you think of this fiction and how it is.


	4. Baby steps

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's the end.Sorry for the mistakes. And take care:)

Tony was no stranger to staying up all night. 

He wasn't used to the process of opening and closing his eyes every once in a while, squirming the whole time, feeling hot and throwing the blanket off of himself, feeling cold two minutes later and searching for the blanket again, though.

But he didn't care about any of that. He had enough in his mind.

He was anxious. Totally paranoid. He was going crazy, that he was sure of.

He just couldn't put a stop to his mind. He had been laying for... a goddamn eternity on his bed, and he couldn't clear his mind for one goddamn second. His mind was working so fast that he couldn't reach his thoughts before they disappeared and another thought replaced them  
... and whenever he closed his eyes, Pete's form when he entered the towered filled his head and he had to roll over as fast as he could to get rid of that picture.

He had never been so concerned about his role in Peter's life before. The two of them got close to each other so fast that he didn't get the chance to realize the new part of his life. And it was also so natural. Sooner that he could think of, Peter became a part of his life, and that part only got bigger and bigger as the time passed. And suddenly it was so usual and natural and relieving to have Peter by his side.

It was like a fairy tale. Peter was a great kid. He was bright, and maybe Tony had never admitted but Peter brought a light to his life. He had his life before Peter and it wasn't a bad life. He had the woman he loved, great friends, fame and money, and a team- well at least for a while.

But Peter... he was something else. He was bright. And it was selfish, but the more they hung out, the more Tony wanted. Peter made him feel something different. A new kind of love and Tony selfishly wanted to experience it more and more. He liked getting to know Peter and he wanted to be a part of his life.

But until that night, that was all. Tony was so busy hanging out with the kid that he didn't get the chance to see how things were changing, how Peter was growing on him.

And Peter had always been good. He was better than any kid Tony knew and he never felt the need to worry about Peter's decisions.

But then one night FRIDAY woke him up and he was so tiredto try to figure out what's happening and then the next thing he knew was that there was a drunk Peter Parker in front of him.  
  
  


Peter was drunk. It meant he had drunk. He had bear in his hands and he had let it slide down his throat. He had been in somewhere and there was a drink and he had picked it up. 

He had been to a party. 

A party.

Tony knew Peter never went to parties. Tony knew Peter never drunk. Peter didn't lose it. He never did the wrong thing.

And thinking about all of that, Tony felt bad for expecting too much from Peter. He was a teenager. Sure, he was better, but it just added more pressure on him and there were so many things he was keeping to himself.

Tony felt bad about that, too. For being too busy enjoying Peter's company that he didn't realize Peter had needed something.

And he only needed to talk. So simple. And Tony knew Peter. He knew Peter overthought things and there were so many things he had in his mind to think about, he knew Peter was so good and this meant that he was trying so much, he knew Peter was a teenager and he would doubt his decisions sooner or later. He also knew that Peter was too nervous to say it all. He would keep it to himself, until it became too much.

Tony _knew_ all of these and the only thing he had to do was to talk to him.

_"Are you proud?"_

Tony rubbed his face. He didn't know how many times he had remembered Peter's voice in his head. Small and broken. Every time it was like someone put hundred tons of weigh on his chest.

Tony was proud of him, he was so fucking proud of Peter. Of who he was, what he did, how he managed to be someone the most of people couldn't be, do the things that most of people's didn't do. He just he wished he knew how to make Peter believe it.

And that was where he was lost. Tony wasn't that kinda person. He wasn't a responsible person. Pepper was, Happy was, Rhodey was. In this case Tony was more alike to Dum-E.

And this was different than most of his worries. He was a creator, he built things, fixed things, sometimes broke things, but he always got it right. He knew what he had to do and he did it. He didn't let things block his mind, get in his way, distract him.

But this one was different. Peter had told him about all of his feelings and thoughts. His emotions were pure and honest and it put a heavy weigh on his chest. Realization was finally hitting him. Realization of what he was becoming to Peter and what Peter was becoming to him. He wasn't dealing with robots and machines anymore. It was about human's emotions. And they were Peter's. Soft and pure.

He didn't know how he was supposed to do it. He didn't know what to say, how to say it. He didn't know how to guide someone when he was totally clueless. He didn't know how to tell him what to do and what not to do when he wasn't always able to do the right thing, sometimes not even able to figure out the right thing. He didn't know how to show his emotions to Peter, he just wasn't good at it, he couldn't do it.

All of this was so deep and huge. It was a big responsibility for Tony and to be honest it freaked him out. He was Tony Stark, Ironman, a hero and a fighter, but he had to admit that he was scared. Peter saw him as a hero. The way he idolized him was egotistically enjoyable but scary at the same time. Peter thought of Tony as a better person. It was like he saw something in him that Tony couldn't see and wasn't sure it even existed. But he didn't want to let the kid down and still he wasn't sure if he could fulfil his duty well. It scared him because he wanted to be better because of Peter and he was afraid that he couldn't.

"Boss, Peter is waking up."

Tony sighed and ignored the sudden shake in his heart. Despite how he hated that suspended feeling he had when laying on the bed, the sudden fear made him wish that he ould still lay there.

But he had to get to Peter as soon as possible. He would be propably confused by the time he was completely conscious.

And suddenly Tony was standing against Peter's door. A part of him wished he could run away from this. But a part of him needed to be there for Peter.

He knocked and entered.

Ge was surprised to see Peter on his feet, already changed and ready to go.

Peter turned around and his eyes widened.

"Hey, buddy."

_Stay cool._

"Mr- Mr. Stark, I... I'm so sorry about last night- god, it was so stupid. I'm sorry Mr. Stark, I promise it'll never happen again. Oh my god, it must have been so annoying. I'm.."

Tony struggled to think between all of Peter's nervous mumbles.

_'Calm him down. He's panicking. You have to calm him down.'_

_How?_

_'Use calm words. It worked last night.'_

"Hey, hey hey... it's okay, Peter. I didn't mind it. It's okay-"

"But it was so stupid- crap, I don't know what I was thinking, I'm so sorry Mr-"

"No Peter. It's okay. It's alright. Don't apologize, okay?" Tony said with a more firm but still gentle voice.

Peter seemed to want to argue but Tony gave him another calm look and he closed his mouth.

"It's... alright. Don't- don't worry about it.."

Tony continued with a reassuring voice when he realized Peter had calmed down a bit, but then Peter's eyes widened again.

"May, oh my god what about May? She must be worried sick.."

"Hey, don't worry. I talked to her. Said you needed to stay for your suit upgrades. She's alright, she doesn't know."

Peter took a moment to stare at him but then inhaled a deep breath and closed his eyes.

Tony stared at him for a minute and then looked at the ground, he hesitated before looking back at Peter again. He sighed and stepped closer. Peter looked at him. His eyes weren't panicked anymore.

Tony sat on Peter's bed and gave him a look, and Peter realized what Tony meant so he sighed and collapsed on the bed beside Tony. They stayed silent for a while and looked at wherever they could to avoid each other's eyes, when Tony finally broke the silence.

"Got a headache?"

"The worst."

Peter answered immediately s if he knew what Tony was about to ask even before he did.

"Your stomach is probably..."

"I don't know. I think it's confused."

"Anything else?"

"My throat is little raw? I guess?"

"Burns?"

"Kinda."

Silence again. Tony closed his eyes again and sighed.

_Okay, here goes._

"Peter I-"

"Mr. Stark, before- before you say something I-" Peter interrupted Tony. He sounded like he knew what Toy was about to say.

"I just need you to know that you don't have to be worry about last night."

"Well, I guess it's a little late to say that." Tony shrugged.

"No...no, no seriously, I just-"

Peter sighed.

"It was just a... a stupid thing. A mistake and it didn't... the things that I said I didn't- I was just really confused and I didn't know what I was really feeling, but uhhh- I don't- I don't want you to think about it too much. It was nothing, usually it's nothing bit things just got a little messy last night and I'm...I'm really sorry about that and I want you to know that it isn't going to happen again. I just- just needed to know something and now I do, you told me and that's- that's enough. I just... don't want you to think about it that much and I..."

Tony didn't talk, he just stared at Peter.

"I don't want you to feel bad. I know last night what I felt, what I said, the whole thing was probably just too much, but I guess... I guess we can work it out, you know? Like... slowly, like- like baby steps. I just- what you told me last night was..."  
  
  
  


"It was enough so please don't think otherwise."

And with that, Peter went silent again and Tony tool his time to think about all the things Peter said.

He was really proud. Between all his complicated feelings, he could feel pride clearly.

"Peter I..."

He broke the silence. Again. Peter was still looking down but Tony knew he was listening.

"I think we both know that I'm not really good at this, I probably suck-"

Peter chuckled, Tony looked at him and he chuckled a little too.

"Yeah, well, but, I just..."

_He said everything. You just say this_.

"What I said last night, I really-"

"I really meant it. I'm-"

Peter finally looked up at him and looking into Peter's eyes, Tony smiled.

"I'm really proud of you."

Peter smiled, too.

"And I might not say it a lot but I want you to believe it, I'm really proud of you and so should be you."

Tony put a hand on Peter's shoulder.

"You really are a good kid, and it doesn't matter if you... _stumble_ sometimes because I'm here..."

"... and as you said, we're gonna work it out."

Peter's smile grew and he stared at Tony for a few minutes and then nodded. He looked down again and started to play with his hands.  
  


_And for that moment, Tony knew, with him, and Peter by his side...._   
  
  


"So... what about some grounding?"

Peter's eyes widened.

"You're not gonna ground me, are you?"

"What do you think? You drank. Of course you're grounded."  
  


_... it was enough._   
  


"But how are you gonna ground me? You can't ground me from Spidermaning."

"I'm sure there are some better ways."  
  


_Because maybe it was big, maybe it was huge..._   
  


"Uh-huh. Like what?"  
  


_But he wasn't alone in this. He had the biggest heart by his side._   
  


"Kid, you doubt my grounding skills one more time and I'll make you go to your school wearing nothing than your Ironman undies..."  
  
  


_And he didn't have to do everything at once._   
  
  


"Mr. Stark, I'm not sure if I've ever told you this, but I've got some great videos of your sleeping forms from the lab time last week..."

_Baby steps._

"You** didn't**...."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"Mr. Stark, there's puke all over my last night's clothes. What am I gonna wear?"

"Once again here's hello Kitty to save the day..."

"Mr. Starkkkkkk..."  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you like the ending? Oh, and I might also turn this into a series, what y'all think?

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, if you liked it, kudos and comments make my day and if you didn't... feel free to tell me it sucked.


End file.
